Let’s Lighten Things Up!
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.”Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks. “Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
*Analogies you probably won’t find in great literature*
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
→ Got any good jokes for me? Send ’em!
PS: I found all these in several places on the Internet so I have no idea who actually authored them.
This made my day. Thanks Rachelle and all you hilarious commenters.
>Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard that I cried. I think I liked the hummingbird analogy the most.
The comments are great, too!
I will have to cut and paste these and send them to my daughter’s writing teacher…she’ll love them!
>I have to agree with a few others that the “Second Man” analogy is truly clever. But as for the others, well, it’s always great to start my day with laughter.
>As a former high school English teacher, I saw many hilarious “analogies” from my students over the years. Thank you for the great laugh.
>Thanks for the laughs, Rachelle. I enjoy your Blog so much!
>Thanks. Printed the first one out and stuck it too my monitor!
>Thanks for sharing! I don’t think I’ll stop laughing for at least the rest of the day!
>I read an account in my local newspaper which described how a man got stuck in a chimney while attempting to commit a burglary. A neighbor told the reporter how she discovered his plight:
“I looked up and seen this man stuck in the chimbley. He was crying like a mouse.”
Maybe I’m weird, but that cracked me up…the grammar the mental image…oh man. Priceless.
>One of my favorite sentences from a vocab test my students took years ago is:
Frugal: to save
“Frugal me, frugal me! I’m drowning!”
>you had me laughing out loud – thank you!!
>Heading to a writer’s conference this weekend…
thanks for the ammo!
>Copy/paste, copy/paste… saving for Words For The Journey meetings. Actually, I’ve used the top three jokes before, but the analogies are hilarious! Thanks Rachelle. OH, and FYI, once again your name came up in our WFTJ(TX) meeting. You typically do :-). Ears burnin’???
>I’m crying here. These are hysterical! THANK YOU. I needed a good laugh today.
>These are great! Definitely needed the laughs today.
My 4-year-old son is usually a good source of giggles. A few months ago he came home bouncing off the walls with excitement. He proudly announced, “Mommy got me new underwear, and it glows in my pants!”
>Thanks for the funnies! Really liked the accident reports too–were these people serious or drunk? LOL
>LOL at the analogies! Plagiarism never seemed so tempting!
>These are hilarious! Thanks for posting them.
>When I wipe the tears of hilarity off my face, I’m gonna copy and paste this gems into my WIP! Thanks for the great tips!
The help of a good agent is like…
>So I was reading this during study hall, and I laughed so hard that I distracted my students…
Here’s another one for you: Mixing meatloaf with your hands is disturbingly similar to feeling the squish of midnight dog vomit between your toes.
>OMG, that was great. Laughing is the best way to start a busy day!
Thanks. Have a great day.
>”Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
I could actually “hear” this one coming from a James Scott Bell novel. I’m with the others on this one: it’s good.
>I loved these! They really made my day, especially the heaven and hell joke. SO true! I’ll have to bookmark this page so I can come back to it every time I’m having a bad writing day. Thanks for posting 🙂
>”…picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.”
LOL!!! (Poor Nancy.)
>Hilarious! These kinda remind me of Leno’s funny headlines…It illustrates how hard it can be to come up with an original description without sounding like a joke. I just hope that when I’m trying overly hard to come up with a “fresh” similie, my lame attempts don’t wind up on blogs
(or worse,in print) as bad examples. LOL
Though I also like the Second Tall Man…that one actually works. Thanks for the laughs!
>Sadly, I could see people actually using many of those analogies in their books. Some of which I’ve had the misfortune to try reading.
>Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
Probably not great literature, but I could definitely see someone using this in lighthearted chick lit.
>Those analogies are a hoot! Where did you find them??
I think I like John, Mary and the hummingbirds the best. 🙂
What a FUN post!!
>Great list Rachelle! So funny! It reminded me of this:
Accidental Accident Reports
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
These quotes were found in the July 26, 1977 issue of the Toronto News. They are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
>Umm, I kinda liked the “Second Tall Man” analogy. I have single friends who’ll appreciate that one. Thanks for the good-morning giggles.
>On second read, the guy losing everything and saying, “Wait…wait….my agent called?” is hilarious.
>What a wonderful list, and I SO needed a laugh!!
I just hope that the first one isn’t a true story…
>I love me some underpants making and breaking alliances in a dryer without Cling Free!
And the Writer’s Heaven joke…..Ha!
>Loved the “bad” analogies! Great way to start the day. 😉 Thanks.
>The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
This one made me think . . . as well as laugh.
Thanks for the day brightener.
>My favorite? “…eyes were like two brown circles with black dots in the middle.”
Stinkin’ hilarious list.
>I dunnnno…. I really like:
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
That is like the grossest imagery ever!