A Little Fun for the Holiday

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. Forty-seven percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death – twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, What the heck happened?

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!
See you Monday.

Rachelle Gardner

Literary agent at Gardner Literary. Coffee & wine enthusiast (not at the same time) and dark chocolate connoisseur. I've worked in publishing since 1995 and I love talking about books!


  1. Donna Reeve on December 4, 2010 at 8:53 PM

    >ROTFL! I laughed so hard I cried multiple times. A GREAT list. Thanks.

  2. Anne Lang Bundy on November 28, 2010 at 11:04 PM


    Everyone's asleep and I nearly hurt myself stifling my laughter so I don't wake them up.

    I emailed the list to my kids. We'll read it together tomorrow and I'll laugh all over again.

    Thanks, Rachelle! I'm thankful for you. More than you'll ever know.

  3. kangaroobee on November 27, 2010 at 1:53 PM

    >I love Anne's suggestion, shame it's not Thanksgiving in Canada I would try that.

  4. vvdenman.com on November 27, 2010 at 11:24 AM

    >#22 made me laugh out loud. Thanks. 🙂

  5. Dan on November 26, 2010 at 9:29 PM

    >These are great. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to shamelessly steal them!

    Here's one I like:

    There are two types of people in the world: those who finish what they start

  6. Angela Perry on November 26, 2010 at 1:43 PM

    >There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.


  7. Anne R. Allen on November 25, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    >Here's an idea: print these out and put them on an index card. When conversation gets contentious at the Thanksgiving dinner table, throw a couple of these out there. Laughter is the best peacemaker.

    Thanks for these. They're hilarious.

  8. Ann Best on November 25, 2010 at 9:41 AM

    >I love this list!!!

  9. kangaroobee on November 25, 2010 at 8:02 AM

    >Great lines Rachelle. Hope I don't burn my butt today. Happy Thanksgiving!

  10. Mechelle Fogelsong on November 25, 2010 at 12:16 AM

    >Here's one from Bill Cosby: "Parents don't care about justice. They just want quiet."

  11. K. Dawn Byrd on November 24, 2010 at 10:35 PM

    >Thanks for the laugh. I'll be tweeting some of those.

  12. Horserider on November 24, 2010 at 8:42 PM

    >Thirteen and twenty-two are my favorites. 😀

    Here's another one that I love…

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second worm gets to live.

  13. T. Anne on November 24, 2010 at 6:59 PM

    >Funny. Amen to 21. And I always try to infuse a little anger into my depression. I find it takes the edge off. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! Remember, it's a calorie free day!!

  14. Julie Anne Lindsey on November 24, 2010 at 6:23 PM

    >OK, with the crazy-mad-dash cleaning and planning medley I finished today, I really needed this.

  15. patti on November 24, 2010 at 2:37 PM

    >very jack handy-ish!

  16. Jessica Nelson on November 24, 2010 at 1:07 PM

    >Haahaaa! Hilarious!

  17. Chris Morrow on November 24, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    >This one is especially relevant to writers: A word is worth one one-thousandth of a picture.

  18. Courtney on November 24, 2010 at 12:04 PM

    >I loved the psycho-kenetic "raise my hand," line. I'm totally using that on my family tomorrow.

  19. Phil on November 24, 2010 at 11:02 AM

    >7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    That one struck a chord. And the one about sponges was hilarious 😉

    Thanks for posting these!

  20. Marie on November 24, 2010 at 10:52 AM

    >Nice 🙂 A good laugh on a beautiful day.

  21. Teresa aka JW on November 24, 2010 at 10:41 AM

    >#6…I wonder what it means when I laugh first and no one else is?

    All very funny.

  22. Leah Petersen on November 24, 2010 at 8:55 AM

    >Here's a writerly one I use for my email signature:

    Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

    —Laurence J. Peter

  23. CMcGowan on November 24, 2010 at 8:50 AM

    >Great to start the morning with!

  24. Richard Mabry on November 24, 2010 at 8:14 AM

    >You've given me enough one-liners to carry me into 2011. Thanks.
    Happy Thanksgiving.

  25. Wendy Paine Miller on November 24, 2010 at 8:09 AM

    >:D 😀 😀

    ~ Wendy

  26. The Blogger Formerly Known As on November 24, 2010 at 8:09 AM

    >These are all funny. I particularly like number 16.

    Have a great Thanksgiving 🙂
    The enigmatic, masked blogger

  27. K.L. Brady on November 24, 2010 at 8:08 AM

    >Hilarious! For me 15-21 in particular. LOL Great way to start the day. Have a wonderful turkey day.

  28. Care on November 24, 2010 at 7:46 AM

    >Love them! Thanks for the laugh!

  29. Amy Tripp on November 24, 2010 at 7:05 AM

    >Loved them! Thanks for giving me a smile this morning.

    Have a wonderful holiday!

  30. Sharon A. Lavy on November 24, 2010 at 6:56 AM

    >You crack me up!

  31. KO on November 24, 2010 at 6:03 AM

    >Great way to start the day! thanks

  32. Katie Ganshert on November 24, 2010 at 5:56 AM

    >These are hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh on a Wednesday morning!

  33. Bonnie R. Paulson on November 24, 2010 at 5:20 AM

    >21 hit me on the head.

    Here's one.

    4 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  34. Kathleen T. Jaeger on November 24, 2010 at 3:50 AM

    >I thought it was 75% of the statistics that were made up on the spot! And I laughed hardest at the second mouse gets the cheese…good news for this night owl. Thank you for the laughter and happy Thanksgiving to you & yours.